Thursday, October 29, 2015

Chronicle 59: Ode to the Shower

You and I were close friends once,
And I took it all for granted.
This ode's to you, dear shower, pal.
My view's now slightly slanted.

I used to step under the water,
Steaming hot, sublime.
My eyes would close, my mind would wander,
Once upon a time.

The gentle pulse would wash me clean,
My worries down the drain.
Alas, I have no time for you,
Just time for mommy brain.

My children, see, have come between us.
They need every second I gather
My hands are full (my heart is, too),
But I'm starting to need a lather.

I'm feeling like a Shel Silverstein poem,
with layers of dirt on my skin,
and hair that houses bats and mice,
and clothes thrice lived in.

I know your layers of soap scum
are feeling quite the same,
please don't leave me, shower -
I know I'm being lame.

For now, I'll have to be content
with dreams of that glistening stall
I'll close my eyes (don't fall asleep!)
and hear the water fall.

I miss you, shower.

The Hot (&Dirty) Mama

Sunday, October 4, 2015

Chronicle 58: The #RealLifeChallenge

This week The Hot Mama Chronicles is going to be hosting a challenge. We always see other people's "perfect" lives on Facebook - happy moments portrayed through perfectly timed pics and cheerful statuses. We all know that ain't right. No one's life is that perfect on the inside, and our tendency to compare ourselves to others just blows UP when we scroll through that ol' lyin' Newsfeed.

It's time to show what our REAL lives are like, so here's the challenge: Share pictures of what REALLY happens during your day. Huge piles of laundry, crying/fighting/slobbering children, bad hair days, dinner from McDonald's, anything you can think of. This picture just happens to be a real moment that I captured while trying to take an "Aww look at my adorable daughter, isn't she perfect?!" moment. No such thing as perfection, people! Share the GRIT!

Tag your pictures on Facebook with #reallifechallenge and I will feature your pictures either on my Facebook page or the blog! It's time to be REAL, y'all! And share, share, share the challenge. I'm sure other mamas could use an uplifting laugh! ;)

The Hot Mama

Saturday, October 3, 2015

Chronicle 57: Younique Mascara Tutorial & Review

I've done some written beauty reviews in the past, but I finally was able to figure out how to piece a crude video together on my computer. Bear with me... I may have grown up around technology, but as I'm discovering, that don't mean much, y'all. 

My hairstylist recently threw an online Younique party. This company hasn't been around long, but they are known for their fiber mascara, which gives you fake eyelash lengths. I've been wanting to try the mascara forever, but was satisfied with Too Faced's Better than Sex mascara, and having spent a lot on it, didn't want to switch mid tube. I know some of you can feel the pain. It's like when I start a book and I like it, but there's another book I reaaalllly want to read. Usually I force myself to finish the first book before I move on. Maybe I'm a masochist?

ANYWAY. I ordered the lashes and long story short... LOVE 'EM. Love everything about them. Granted I've only had them for about a week, but I had one application that stayed on for THREE days. I even took a shower. Yes, I did. When I was ready to take the mascara off, it was super easy. I was pleasantly surprised, because I had expected it to rip my eyelashes out like Benefit's They're Real mascara. Not so. I just soaked a cotton pad in eye makeup remover (I swear by Mary Kay's) and soaked my lashes for a few seconds before gently wiping away the fibers. 

I have long eyelashes to begin with but they are super pale, so I always try to have something on. I was really impressed by the immediate difference in length.  It does not feel heavy either. As in, I don't feel like Lucille Ball in Yours, Mine, and Ours (Yours, Mine, and Ours: Irish Coffee Forward to 2:16 for a good laugh). Here's one eye without Younique and one with two coats. 

See the video below for a more in depth review and application tutorial. Let me know what mascara you use and love in the comments below! DISCLAIMER: This review is not sponsored by Younique; I just really love it! Enjoy :) 


The Hot Mama

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Chronicle 56: Imperfection

Good morning, y'all!

Let me tell you a liiiittle secret: I. am. a. PERFECTIONIST. This is certainly no surprise if you know me well. Call it what you will (control freak, OCD, weirdo, um...annoying, what have you), but it's 100% true. I prefer to think of it as... high standards.

This morning I was getting dressed and my baby girl was taking a nap so I thought "Hey, I was able to wash my hair this week. It's in the perfect condition for some wave action. Let me just find that ol' curling iron and move all this crap aside to find the pluuug... got it. La di da, dee ba daaa. This is fun!"

While this internal dialogue was happening I interrupted myself and thought, "I can't see the back of my head, so I'll just curl a bunch of hair and see what happens. Maybe it will work out this time and I won't have a huge hunk of uncurled hair hanging around like it just don't care." So I did.

Let me tell you. IT WAS PEREFCT. Almost. See, there was this ONE piece just dangling there, hidden between some luscious curls. It was all straight and shiny. Not a big piece, mind you, but noticeable nonetheless. I grabbed the curling iron to heat it into submission WHEN... All these thoughts about perfection stopped me in my tracks.

Now, I am looking good today. I am feelin' myself. I have a nice lightweight fall sweater on, some skinny jeans, suede lace up booties. I tell you, It's one of those days. Perfect hair would be the icing on the cake right? Wrong. Perfect makeup and perfect hair, but I digress.

I LEFT IT. I did. I just up and left that straight piece of hair floating amongst the sea of waves (I'm getting poetic now. Wistful.). I just shook my head, ran my fingers through it, and topped it off with a spritz of hair spray. It was oddly satisfying and empowering.

What I'm trying to get at is this: I AM CRAZY! Wait, no. I mean I aaaam, but my point is... that I drive myself crazy clinging on to the madness of perfection. Now, I am not about to hit WalMart in some curlers, PJs, and slippers. Nor will my children be seen in public with spaghetti face or peanut butter hair (these are real afflictions, people).

However, the stress of keeping a house put together, my family looking like a Gap ad, putting food on the table, maintaining a loving and exciting marriage, plus there's the cat to keep alive, and my blogging and painting and writing... AGH!!!! WHAT MORTAL being can do all that PERFECTLY?!

It's not worth it. I miss all the good stuff. Instead of following around the children re-cleaning up after them (they DO pick stuff up, just not to my liking. *cough*) I should be playing WITH them. Or at least letting them play uninhibited. While my entire personality will never change (and thank the Lord), my hope is that I can approach each day with the knowledge that I don't have to live it perfectly. I will breathe a sigh of relief and tackle it without the stress of trying to make every situation go my way.

As for today, I'm STILL feelin' myself. Even with my imperfections. When I wake my daughter from her nap and tickle her with my hair, she can grab it and run her chubby little fingers through it without any interference from me. How I would miss those giggles.

The Hot Mama

Monday, April 20, 2015

Chronicle 55: Number Two

Ahhh, number two. Could be that you planned it. Could be that the little devil snuck up on you until one day... PLOP! Just couldn't hold it in any more. Little, big... doesn't matter. This puppy will change your life forever.

Oh, shit! You thought I was talking about *whispers* number TWO? I meant the second CHILD! Geez, get your mind out of the gutter, people!
I never formally announced that we had another baby, but considering my readers are mostly friends and family, I thought, you know, that you already knew...

But for those people who just happened across my corner of cyber space (probably Googling baby fashion or sore nipples), I HAD A ANOTHER BABY!! YEAH! The snark is strong with me today, son.
How number two has thrown us for a poop. I mean, a loop.

1. Our oldest child has become a servant, parent in training, very special helper!  This is a conversation my, um, friend had with her son recently while she was trying to nurse a wiggling 10 month old with FANGS adorable brand new teeth (who had just decided to blow out of the ruffly $50 outfit from Grandma):

"Hey honey, can you run upstairs and get Mommy a diaper? Yeah, upstairs. IN THE DRAWER! IN THE BIG WHITE DRAWER! No, in your sister's room. YOUR SISTER'S!" When he brought down his favorite pair of underpants instead, SHE just smiled while crying inside.

2. Where in the sweet potato is... ?!?!?! Everything is suddenly missing. Stuff that you wouldn't dream was possible to lose. The baby's entire collection of 20 bottles, your son's favorite toy screw driver, the fake spiral topiary that used to be on the mantle, step stools, potty chairs, and entire couch cushions. Where in the KALE CHIPS do these things GO!??!?!? Either that, or they turn up covered in sticky unremovable substances. Martha Stewart, are you for sale?
3. LAUNDRY. We are at the point where we all wear one outfit a day. SO WHY IS IT that we are doing two loads of laundry EVERY NIGHT? GRRRRFLALAKJDBkhgsvcjaghfd I can't even.

4. My ride. I drove a crossover with one child and now, due to a lack of room situation, we upgraded to a full on SUV. I love it, but the closer I get to owning a mini-van, the closer I feel to losing my sanity. This birth control better not fail, because I will not be purchasing a big ol' van any time soon EVER!!!

5. Sorry, not sorry, but I am never 100% squeaky clean. Because KIDS.
"Just took a shower, Ma? Here, let me barf on your leg."

"Oh, Dad, so glad to hear you got this shirt back from the dry cleaner's. Let me wipe a snail trail of snot on the shoulder."

"Just spent 45 minutes on your hair and makeup, Mommy? I've got some super sticky yogurt that will add a nice pop of color. Let me make sure it gets on every single layer so you have to wash it again."

I can't fail to mention all the dried cheerios, puffs, goldfish and other cracker type crap that manages to glue itself to my BUTT!
And  that, my friends, is just a sample of how number two has flushed my former life away. Yeah, yeah enough with the lame jokes. But seriously, I've gotta go.

Hot Mama


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