Chronicle 59: Ode to the Shower

You and I were close friends once,

And I took it all for granted.

This ode's to you, dear shower, pal.

My view's now slightly slanted.

I used to step under the water,

Steaming hot, sublime.

My eyes would close, my mind would wander,

Once upon a time.

The gentle pulse would wash me clean,

My worries down the drain.

Alas, I have no time for you,

Just time for mommy brain.

My children, see, have come between us.

They need every second I gather

My hands are full (my heart is, too),

But I'm starting to need a lather.

I'm feeling like a Shel Silverstein poem,

with layers of dirt on my skin,

and hair that houses bats and mice,

and clothes thrice lived in.

I know your layers of soap scum

are feeling quite the same,

please don't leave me, shower -

I know I'm being lame.

For now, I'll have to be content

with dreams of that glistening stall

I'll close my eyes (don't fall asleep!)

and hear the water fall.

I miss you, shower.

xoxo,
The Hot (&Dirty) Mama

Chronicle 58: The #RealLifeChallenge

This week The Hot Mama Chronicles is going to be hosting a challenge. We always see other people's "perfect" lives on Facebook - happy moments portrayed through perfectly timed pics and cheerful statuses. We all know that ain't right. No one's life is that perfect on the inside, and our tendency to compare ourselves to others just blows UP when we scroll through that ol' lyin' Newsfeed.

It's time to show what our REAL lives are like, so here's the challenge: Share pictures of what REALLY happens during your day. Huge piles of laundry, crying/fighting/slobbering children, bad hair days, dinner from McDonald's, anything you can think of. This picture just happens to be a real moment that I captured while trying to take an "Aww look at my adorable daughter, isn't she perfect?!" moment. No such thing as perfection, people! Share the GRIT!

Tag your pictures on Facebook with #reallifechallenge and I will feature your pictures either on my Facebook page or the blog! It's time to be REAL, y'all! And share, share, share the challenge. I'm sure other mamas could use an uplifting laugh! ;)

xoxo,

The Hot Mama

Chronicle 57: Younique Mascara Tutorial & Review

I've done some written beauty reviews in the past, but I finally was able to figure out how to piece a crude video together on my computer. Bear with me... I may have grown up around technology, but as I'm discovering, that don't mean much, y'all. 

My hairstylist recently threw an online Younique party. This company hasn't been around long, but they are known for their fiber mascara, which gives you fake eyelash lengths. I've been wanting to try the mascara forever, but was satisfied with Too Faced's Better than Sex mascara, and having spent a lot on it, didn't want to switch mid tube. I know some of you can feel the pain. It's like when I start a book and I like it, but there's another book I reaaalllly want to read. Usually I force myself to finish the first book before I move on. Maybe I'm a masochist?

ANYWAY. I ordered the lashes and long story short... LOVE 'EM. Love everything about them. Granted I've only had them for about a week, but I had one application that stayed on for THREE days. I even took a shower. Yes, I did. When I was ready to take the mascara off, it was super easy. I was pleasantly surprised, because I had expected it to rip my eyelashes out like Benefit's They're Real mascara. Not so. I just soaked a cotton pad in eye makeup remover (I swear by Mary Kay's) and soaked my lashes for a few seconds before gently wiping away the fibers. 

I have long eyelashes to begin with but they are super pale, so I always try to have something on. I was really impressed by the immediate difference in length.  It does not feel heavy either. As in, I don't feel like Lucille Ball in Yours, Mine, and Ours (Yours, Mine, and Ours: Irish Coffee Forward to 2:16 for a good laugh). Here's one eye without Younique and one with two coats. 

See the video below for a more in depth review and application tutorial. Let me know what mascara you use and love in the comments below! DISCLAIMER: This review is not sponsored by Younique; I just really love it! Enjoy :) 

xoxo, 

The Hot Mama

Chronicle 56: Imperfection

Good morning, y'all!

Let me tell you a liiiittle secret: I. am. a. PERFECTIONIST. This is certainly no surprise if you know me well. Call it what you will (control freak, OCD, weirdo, um...annoying, what have you), but it's 100% true. I prefer to think of it as... high standards.

This morning I was getting dressed and my baby girl was taking a nap so I thought "Hey, I was able to wash my hair this week. It's in the perfect condition for some wave action. Let me just find that ol' curling iron and move all this crap aside to find the pluuug... got it. La di da, dee ba daaa. This is fun!"

While this internal dialogue was happening I interrupted myself and thought, "I can't see the back of my head, so I'll just curl a bunch of hair and see what happens. Maybe it will work out this time and I won't have a huge hunk of uncurled hair hanging around like it just don't care." So I did.

Let me tell you. IT WAS PEREFCT. Almost. See, there was this ONE piece just dangling there, hidden between some luscious curls. It was all straight and shiny. Not a big piece, mind you, but noticeable nonetheless. I grabbed the curling iron to heat it into submission WHEN... All these thoughts about perfection stopped me in my tracks.

Now, I am looking good today. I am feelin' myself. I have a nice lightweight fall sweater on, some skinny jeans, suede lace up booties. I tell you, It's one of those days. Perfect hair would be the icing on the cake right? Wrong. Perfect makeup and perfect hair, but I digress.

I LEFT IT. I did. I just up and left that straight piece of hair floating amongst the sea of waves (I'm getting poetic now. Wistful.). I just shook my head, ran my fingers through it, and topped it off with a spritz of hair spray. It was oddly satisfying and empowering.

What I'm trying to get at is this: I AM CRAZY! Wait, no. I mean I aaaam, but my point is... that I drive myself crazy clinging on to the madness of perfection. Now, I am not about to hit WalMart in some curlers, PJs, and slippers. Nor will my children be seen in public with spaghetti face or peanut butter hair (these are real afflictions, people).

However, the stress of keeping a house put together, my family looking like a Gap ad, putting food on the table, maintaining a loving and exciting marriage, plus there's the cat to keep alive, and my blogging and painting and writing... AGH!!!! WHAT MORTAL being can do all that PERFECTLY?!

It's not worth it. I miss all the good stuff. Instead of following around the children re-cleaning up after them (they DO pick stuff up, just not to my liking. *cough*) I should be playing WITH them. Or at least letting them play uninhibited. While my entire personality will never change (and thank the Lord), my hope is that I can approach each day with the knowledge that I don't have to live it perfectly. I will breathe a sigh of relief and tackle it without the stress of trying to make every situation go my way.

As for today, I'm STILL feelin' myself. Even with my imperfections. When I wake my daughter from her nap and tickle her with my hair, she can grab it and run her chubby little fingers through it without any interference from me. How I would miss those giggles.

xoxo,

The Hot Mama

Chronicle 55: Number Two

Ahhh, number two. Could be that you planned it. Could be that the little devil snuck up on you until one day... PLOP! Just couldn't hold it in any more. Little, big... doesn't matter. This puppy will change your life forever.

Oh, shit! You thought I was talking about *whispers* number TWO? I meant the second CHILD! Geez, get your mind out of the gutter, people!

I never formally announced that we had another baby, but considering my readers are mostly friends and family, I thought, you know, that you already knew...

But for those people who just happened across my corner of cyber space (probably Googling baby fashion or sore nipples), I HAD A ANOTHER BABY!! YEAH! The snark is strong with me today, son.

How number two has thrown us for a poop. I mean, a loop.

1. Our oldest child has become a servant, parent in training, very special helper!  This is a conversation my, um, friend had with her son recently while she was trying to nurse a wiggling 10 month old with FANGS adorable brand new teeth (who had just decided to blow out of the ruffly $50 outfit from Grandma):

"Hey honey, can you run upstairs and get Mommy a diaper? Yeah, upstairs. IN THE DRAWER! IN THE BIG WHITE DRAWER! No, in your sister's room. YOUR SISTER'S!" When he brought down his favorite pair of underpants instead, I...um SHE just smiled while crying inside.

2. Where in the sweet potato is... ?!?!?! Everything is suddenly missing. Stuff that you wouldn't dream was possible to lose. The baby's entire collection of 20 bottles, your son's favorite toy screw driver, the fake spiral topiary that used to be on the mantle, step stools, potty chairs, and entire couch cushions. Where in the KALE CHIPS do these things GO!??!?!? Either that, or they turn up covered in sticky unremovable substances. Martha Stewart, are you for sale?

3. LAUNDRY. We are at the point where we all wear one outfit a day. SO WHY IS IT that we are doing two loads of laundry EVERY NIGHT? GRRRRFLALAKJDBkhgsvcjaghfd I can't even.

4. My ride. I drove a crossover with one child and now, due to a lack of room situation, we upgraded to a full on SUV. I love it, but the closer I get to owning a mini-van, the closer I feel to losing my sanity. This birth control better not fail, because I will not be purchasing a big ol' van any time soon EVER!!!

5. Sorry, not sorry, but I am never 100% squeaky clean. Because KIDS.
"Just took a shower, Ma? Here, let me barf on your leg."

"Oh, Dad, so glad to hear you got this shirt back from the dry cleaner's. Let me wipe a snail trail of snot on the shoulder."

"Just spent 45 minutes on your hair and makeup, Mommy? I've got some super sticky yogurt that will add a nice pop of color. Let me make sure it gets on every single layer so you have to wash it again."

I can't fail to mention all the dried cheerios, puffs, goldfish and other cracker type crap that manages to glue itself to my BUTT!

And  that, my friends, is just a sample of how number two has flushed my former life away. Yeah, yeah enough with the lame jokes. But seriously, I've gotta go.

xoxo,
Hot Mama

Chronicle 54: Holidazed & Confused

I love loved the holidays. Getting together with friends and family, taking part in longstanding traditions (awkward small talk until you remembered that you grew up with this person and have many hilarious memories together). I used to bask in sweater weather, eat too much turkey and gravy, and spend hours sprawled on the floor looking at old family photos.

When I got pregnant with my son, I was so excited to share moments like these with him. I couldn't wait to teach him the perfect dressing to green bean ratio, or watch him joyously discover the fun of running around with cousins while the grownups watched with knowing smiles. This was all before reality sunk in.

It's no secret that having small children is difficult. But there is a HUGE difference between "knowing" and KNOWING. Perhaps you don't have children yet, or it has been awhile since you've had little ones in the house. You may feel a certain sympathy for the mom juggling a plate of cranberry sauce and a newborn. Or the Dad chasing after the son who is going after Grandma's breakables. It might even be a bit funny to watch prized knick knacks wobbling toward the edge of the table. Later? It will be funny to me, too. Now... well, here's what you DON'T know.

Mom had a sleepless night before Thanksgiving because the baby was in a strange place and would not sleep in her portable crib. The little bundle of sweetness has graciously started teething and no longer requires that swaddle you found on some obscure website. Also, the months it took to convince said baby that Mom was not a pacifier have been shot to hell overnight. Add in some tryptophan and Mom's ready to plummet face first into her plate.

The son slept soundly in his inflatable bed on the floor of the guest room,  but you would never know it, because he is running around in circles and bouncing off walls like a pinball to burn off energy. Usually he gets to play outside, but it's cold and everyone is inside. The only thing that will keep him still and occupied for a minute is watching YouTube videos on Dad's phone. Cue the judgement.

The food is delicious and heavenly, but after the second baby the weight just won't come off. Please don't tell Mom she looks great as she balances a plate of food on her wobbly stomach. Thanksgiving dinner looks like too many nights at the gym that she will never have time for. Appreciate the thought, though.

The parents have not had a spare moment alone since the oldest was born. Holidays included. All the teenagers and college kids acting all moony and the older couples who don't even make eye contact any more make them feel alone and depressed. Divide and conquer, and hope that someday they will be reunited. WE. ARE. SPARTAAA!

What you realllly won't see is the aftermath. Children thrive on schedules, so even if the travel is for "just a few days", this throws children off and sends them careening on a downward spiral... with consequences lasting for days. Days = months in parenthood. It's science.

The son will refuse to nap. So will the baby. There will be LOTS of crying and tantrums. It will bleed into school the following Monday. Then an explanation to teachers will be expected. "It was a rough weekend. That must be why my son beaned you over the head with his Lego tower." Awkward.

The bags will lay unpacked in the parent's room for days. Laundry will pile up and baby girl will have to wear big brother's old onesies. OLD. She will scream and cry at the indignity. Mom and Dad will finally get a breather after coaxing the children into bed by threatening them with "Santa won't come if...!". The parents will then promptly fall asleep to Netflix. At 8:00 p.m.

What I want to constantly scream is "We're battling sheer exhaustion! Nothing will fix that, not even sleep!" To you a day or so of travel may seem like nothing. To us it's like Mount Everest.

The truth? I love you. I love you ALL. But when it comes to dealing with small children, please try to understand. I love my sanity and my schedule more. For now. 

"It's just one year."

Happy Holidays,
The Hot Mama

Chronicle 53: Rambling

What to write, what to write... I have this itch to write, to get my thoughts down. I haven't felt it in a long time, so I feel as if I should embrace it. Embracing all that I think and feel and know, and then pushing my way outside of the box to get to the good stuff.

There was this pact I made with myself in high school. I wanted to avoid the housewife life. All the minivans, picket fences, Barney stickers on the windows of said vehicle, keeping up with the Joneses; none of it appealed to me.

Remember these babies?

So why do I find myself reaching toward the safety of the suburbs? Familiarity, I suppose. Don't we, as humans, tend to go back to what we know when under duress?

WARNING: Metaphors, analogies, and humiliations galoooore ahead... (Princess Bride, anyone? Anyone?!)

I feel that with everything else ballooning, going back to my roots is the only thing tying me to the ground. Why do I fight so hard against it? Could I be content with an alternate version, or version(S) all mixed together?

Life is a million different things coming together at once, pure chaos organized by our minds into a straight line. It's easier to swallow, easier to make sense of. But when the corner is peeled back, and I get a peek of what I brushed under the rug, I am quick to run for the broom.

Analogies aside, this is my resolve: embrace it. The dust bunnies, the corners of my mind that become cobwebby because I've been exposed to too much Elmo and consequently begin to speak to adults like I speak to my students... ALL of it. I will change, the situation will change. In the end... well, in the end   there are no guarantees. It's just our duty to be satisfied by our choices in the end.

Oh dear... pop existentialism. Let me wrap this up by saying thank you. For what? I'll let you decide!

xoxo,
The Hot Mama (Wife, Lady & Lova) (Oh, and crossover vehicle driver)

Chronicle 52: There's No Place Like Home

I have a zit. It has taken up residence right between my eyes, popping up sometime between unpacking the 867th box of dishware and the intensive process known as shopping for living room furniture. Too busy to "woe is me", I handled it vigorously with my Clarisonic and a healthy swab of Witchhazel.

Witchhazel is an astringent that can be used as a spot treatment.
 It can dry your skin out pretty quickly, so use sparingly.

Then I wake this morning to find that my zit invited an overnight friend, and this zit is not so...friendly. First of all, no introduction or warning was given. Second, it planted itself right on the tip of my nose. It's like a welcoming committee. Which, admittedly, fits in with my current life theme.

Welcome back, mamas & friends (and hopefully readers I don't know yet). Yes, I took a brief hiatus. Ok, make that a LONG hiatus. It was a year; a year full of highs and lows and new experiences. I met some incredible people, and lost one too. I finished my first year of teaching (I. AM. ALIIIVE!) after staying home with baby G. 

The last 3 items in our old home, before we handed over the keys!

But, the biggest and most life changing thing JUST happened. Like a week ago happened. WE (packedupallofourbelongingsand) MOVED!! It was a life changing move. Like a leave a place you've lived for 28 years, family, friends, job, etc. move. It's turning out to be a brand new adventure, can't wait to explore and meet new people move. 

It was quick, but certainly not painless. In fact, I'm sure that if we ever move again I will need a healthy dose of... several things. If you've ever moved, even to the house or apartment next door, you KNOW it's a pain. The logistics and labor alone cause stress: stress on family, friends, kiddos, and marriage. in effect, it's one of those tests that life throws your way to keep you in check. That's how I came to look at it: a way to test my strength.

The best part about a cross state move? It will continue to test me. Finding my way to the grocery store, meeting other young families, keeping up with a bigger home, interviewing for a job in the local district... the list goes on and on. And while I was faced with these tasks at my old home, I was comfortable. I knew my way around. I had my friends. Here? I have to get my Sacajawea on. Wait... am I leading two men? I guess I am! :)

Our kitchen was put together a day after we moved! I can't claim all the credit: my amazing
family friends showed up to help. Love them!

We have most everything unpacked. The next step is organizing EVERYTHING. Luckily we moved into a bigger home, so we didn't have to worry about making things fit. We just have to worry about making them pretty! (That's my newly adopted phrase for organizing. So much better, right?!) 

This is the funny part: I've actually been researching! I've been reading articles, magazines, and books for ideas. It's your turn, mamas! How do you organize your toddler's room? Your pantry? Your playroom? I foresee several trips to the Container Store in my future!

Meanwhile, we're trying hard to stick to our routine and settle in to the new home. As you can see, Baby G is well on his way! 

Can't wait to hear from you again, mamas!

xoxo, 

The Hot Mama

Chronicle 42.5: Decisions, Decisions UPDATE!

I finally had my haircut today! There is nothing better than an hour of pampering after which you leave totally relaxed and happy with a new look. After much deliberation and input, I decided to go with a longer version of the Brittney. My good friend pointed out that I may freak over such a short 'do, and for that: I LOVE YA! I kept the asymmetry of the cut, as well as the long side swept bang. I think there is need for new styling products and tools...

A big thanks to everyone who voted!!

Xoxo,
The Hot Mama

Chronicle 42: BB Cream Review!

I think it's been quite some time since my Sephora haul and girls, do I have some REVIEWS to write. The one thing I was the most excited about was the BB Cream by Clinique. It promised me the world: sunblock, primer, moisturizer AND moderate coverage all in one.

I was convinced it would become a staple in my makeup bag.

Here's the problem: I have fairly sensitive skin and all of those products combined just wreaked havoc with it. It looks absolutely beautiful and flawless whether it's applied with fingers, brush or sponge. It even passed the natural light test with flying colors (aka it looked fresh and natural in broad daylight). However, it made me break out after 8 hours of wear. And I don't break out. Like... ever. 

My chin became a minefield. After only 8 hours! This is why I sadly decided to return to Sephora. Some day. See the thing is, I love it so much that I'm willing to wear it for short periods of time and then wash it off immediately. Crazy? Absolutely. The things we do for love, ladies, I swear.

Photo courtesy of ehowtogetridofpimples.net

I have been experimenting with my morning skin care routine in order to make this relationship work. I feel as if under certain circumstances, BB and I could be friends. We may never reach our full potential, but it's not fair to just cut BB out of my life forever...

Here's what I've tried: washing my face with cleanser & Clarisonic Mia, toning with Clarins Toning Lotion, using my Caudelie Vinoperfect Day Perfecting Fluid THEN BB cream. I thought the layer of Vinoperfect would protect my skin from the BB. Not so much. That is just adding one. more. thing.

So I tried it without and still, no dice. I had been using moisturizer, too even though the BB has it. I started skipping that step, too and the results were the same. Pimply chin!!

 I finally decided to put the BB everywhere but my chin and used a cover up for any redness. Voila! The perfect solution. AND I get to keep my BB. 

Xoxo, 

The Hot Mama