Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Chronicle 20: Fear vs. Faith

After putting Peanut down for the night, I usually unwind with a book, or listen to some records while sipping a glass of wine, or peruse the "heavy" sections of the paper while my husband stares at me adoringly from across the living room...
PSYCHE! I WATCH TV. There, I said it. I unwind by watching a trainwreck of a reality show, or catching up on backlogged episodes of Beverly Hills, 90210 (that I DVR every day). So, a few nights ago, I was all caught up on my stories, and looking for something uplifting. 
Enter E! and the True Hollywood Story of Giuliana Rancic. I've always thought Giuliana was adorable; she is super cheeky and chic...y. She makes crazy celebrity gossip seem like something important and exciting. And she is always honest and open about her personal life and struggles. I was so saddened when I heard about her being diagnosed with breast cancer. So saddened, in fact, that I started to cry.
Now, I don't know about all you mamas, or soon to be mamas, out there, but I cry ALOT now. Like every day. Sometimes more than once. Sometimes more than twice. So there I was, on the couch, remote in one hand, half-eaten Cadbury Creme Egg in the other, bawling my eyes out. But... quietly, so as not to wake the bebe.
Then, for no reason at all I got scared. Scared that baby G wasn't breathing (checked video monitor...he was fine). Scared that my husband's taxi got in an accident on the way back to his hotel (paranoid call...he was safe and sound, ordering chocolate cake from room service. Wait... I WANT chocolate cake!!) Scared that my eating habits will make me have a heart attack. Darn...no chocolate cake for me. But most of all, just plain scared that something would happen to any of my loved ones. 
Right as I was about to start hyperventilating (silently of course), I heard Giuliana's husband say something profound. He was talking about Giuliana's attitude about breast cancer and he said that we have a choice. We can either live by fear or we can live by faith. HOLD. THE. PHONE. How many times have I heard something similar? "Worrying is like a rocker, you never get anywhere" or "Let go, and let God." But combined? And so simplified? And so REAL? Never.

I don't claim to be religious. I've struggled with organized religion and the messages they put out in the world. Do not misunderstand me; I am so grateful that we have the freedom and are able to find comfort and something to believe in. But I look at my son, and how my body put him together and I feel as if there has to be something out there, orchestrating and planning and watching us grow. My life has come to a point where I'm ready to accept that there's more to life than just me and what I want. It's 100% scary giving up that bit of control. But Bill Rancic was absolutely right...it IS fear vs. faith. It's a choice, one you have to make every day. Quite the commitment.
I feel a bit better when I realize that faith doesn't even have to pertain to religion. It just means I acknowledge that most things are out of my control, and I can either be a paranoid freak, or let go of the paralyzing fear. So I am. And I will. One day at a time. 

Readers, what fears do you have? What have you let go of? How does Faith vs. Fear inspire YOU?
Much love to you all.

Xoxo, 
The Hot Mama

4 comments:

  1. I love this so flippin' much! For me, worry and control go hand in hand. I worry about things that I don't have any control over and then I have to have a pep talk with myself about letting go and letting God. Yes, I bought an air purifier for our nursery but is that really going to prevent our baby from being allergic to our cat? Don't think so... I try to keep my crazy/controlling/wanting-to-fix-everything side in check. Some days are better than others. :) Can't wait to see you Friday!

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    1. I am glad to hear that I'm not the only one who feels this way! I am a self-proclaimed control freak and admitting that I have absolutely no control over most things is a huge step, but a necessary one. Some days are definitely better than others...we are only human! :) Yay for girl's night out! xoxo

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  2. I can SO relate to this! So much so that I wish I could give you a big hug. Since I've become a mom, I've been on a mind-bending spiritual awakening, of sorts. Its an every day struggle to let go of fear and just trust that everything will be okay. The hardest part is realizing that even if something horrible happens, it happened for a reason and it will all work out in the end. We should just discuss this over lunch, girl.

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    1. I will gladly take a hug, Sarah! In fact, I'm not sure how moms make it through the day without at least one. Lunch, please, and soon. Love you! xoxo

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