Monday, April 23, 2012

Chronicle 25: A Brief Hiatus


So I took a brief hiatus: from blogging, from life, from everything, really. It's been one of those weeks. No, make that month. Or even year, if you'd like. I feel as if I'm living two very different lives at the moment, and the distance between the two is stark and startling, and frankly, I lack the energy to figure it out at the moment.

My life as a mother is just right. It's baby bear's porridge, with extra sugar and cream and a temperature that warms your tummy, but leaves your tastebuds intact. My life makes sense. I have a purpose. My lungs breathe for him. My heart swells and breaks and mends itself a thousand times a day. It is simultaneously the hardest and greatest thing I have ever done.
And, at this point, I am doing most of it single handedly.

I'm half of a whole, yes. But while my husband's away each week, I become the whole. I try too hard to be the mother and the father. I encourage independence, yet I cling to my son. I play rough and tumble, then lament over our bruised knees and carpet burns. I butt in on their sacred bath time, then read books about a mama's love in soft whispers. I weep at the drop of a hat, only to quickly dry my son's tears and catapult into distractions.

So you see? Jekyll and Hyde. One moment I'm filled with joy, and the next? Despair and, yes, loneliness.  I miss my partner, my lover, my friend. Not only do I miss my husband, but I miss our family as a unit. Our mundane rhythm. The daily moments that seem so routine and boring, until they're disrupted. I mourn the fact that he has missed, and will miss, G's most transformative time.

I was completely overcome this weekend when my baby crawled for the very first time! I could see him gearing up for it all week. Tummy time transformed into popping up onto all fours and rocking and rolling towards an unknown destination. By midweek he had begun to look down and check out his knees while he lunged forward, desperately grasping for the glowing remote.
Saturday was THE day...tentative moments that resulted in alternating hands and knees. A brief movement that caused G great bewilderment when I burst into tears as my husband clapped his hands and lunged in for a hug.

For that one moment, I forgot everything and felt content. Felt whole.
Xoxo,
The Hot Mama

4 comments:

  1. Beautifully written. Perfectly describes the ups and downs all mothers can relate to. Hang in there, girl. xoxo

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    1. Thanks, lady. Felt better just by writing this post. Miss you! It's been awhile since we had lunch :)

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  2. That made me all teary-eyed! What a beautiful post, Jenn. I'm so glad that Matt was around to witness the first crawls. That is absolutely precious. You are one tough cookie, missy! G is lucky to have a mama like you. :)

    As a side note, I do cry at everything these days...are you telling me this won't go away?! I cried on the way to church the other day when we drove by the kennel where we used to board my childhood dog that we had to put down in February. THEN, when we got to church I saw her old vet from a distance and burst into tears again. My poor husband was torn between laughing and comforting me... I just decided to let the other church-goers think that i was extremely moved by the holy spirit that day! Ha.

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    1. I feel like I'm the lucky one! Grayson is such a blessing in my life, and some days he keeps me going with his smile and laugh.

      I think eventually the crying subsides, but I'm so emotional these days that I have to attribute it to nursing, and the hormones that accompany it! It takes awhile for your body to settle down; I have heard it takes a year. I can tell you this: it goes by very quickly!

      Your hubby will love you no matter what, so don't worry about that! And if he needs a reminder, show him your beautiful baby belly! Xoxo

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