Friday, February 24, 2012

Chronicle 10: Choose Your Own Adventure

If we are students of Life, then our teacher is the all knowing headmistress who bitch slaps us with a ruler when we misbehave. Yes, it sounds a little harsh. And I prefer to think of that stinging yardstick as karma; you get what you give. Oh, how I wish that things were that black and white. No grey area, no in between the lines. Life as a "Choose Your Own Adventure" book, with all possible routes already mapped out. Where you could take all concrete possibilities and mull them over, before choosing a path.

I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. We've all had those moments where we made a choice, or said something out loud before we took the time to think it over. Or sometimes, we were so convinced that our decision was the best one, it was impossible to define how it would be construed. That old cliche " it's the thought that counts" apparently doesn't apply in those situations. Now, I have a filter, and I try to stop before I think and deliver my thoughts with tact. But, I will be the first to admit that my filter isn't the strongest. I can be blunt, and I am rash. That is me. I AM STILL LEARNING. I am still a young woman making her way in the world. I'm trying to find myself, yet my life is constantly changing.

Nothing brings out my flaws more than drastic life changes. And honey, 2010-2011 was a hell of a life changing year. My husband and I got married, found out we were pregnant three months later, and in May, I finally graduated college. In September of 2011, I gave birth to a healthy baby boy, pre-eclampsia and all. My life and my identity was in constant upheaval. Talk about grey areas...nothing during that time period was black and white in the least!

It seems to me that I get caught up in the minute details, and neglect the whole picture. I believe this may have hurt some people along the way, and I can only hope that they know me well enough to talk to me about it, or know that I would never hurt someone intentionally. At the time, those small details seemed like the single most important issue in my entire life. And never having gone through an engagement, wedding, or pregnancy firsthand, or even secondhand, I had no way to analyze my actions. I did the best I could, by sticking to my guns and doing what was best for my family and myself. Weathering the backlash was an unforeseen and heart breaking experience.

This post is extremely (and purposefully) vague, but I felt as if it needed to be written. I want to document this time of my life, so I can look back with confidence and say, "I chose the right path", or "That decision was not the best, but I learned ..." and "Look where I am now, and how far I have come!"

Your turn, mamas. Have you recently reflected on your life and pinpointed certain decisions that changed your life? Are there any decisions you have learned a lot from, or are glad you made?
Can't wait to hear from you!

The Hot Mama

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