Chronicle 55: Number Two

Ahhh, number two. Could be that you planned it. Could be that the little devil snuck up on you until one day... PLOP! Just couldn't hold it in any more. Little, big... doesn't matter. This puppy will change your life forever.

Oh, shit! You thought I was talking about *whispers* number TWO? I meant the second CHILD! Geez, get your mind out of the gutter, people!

I never formally announced that we had another baby, but considering my readers are mostly friends and family, I thought, you know, that you already knew...

But for those people who just happened across my corner of cyber space (probably Googling baby fashion or sore nipples), I HAD A ANOTHER BABY!! YEAH! The snark is strong with me today, son.

How number two has thrown us for a poop. I mean, a loop.

1. Our oldest child has become a servant, parent in training, very special helper!  This is a conversation my, um, friend had with her son recently while she was trying to nurse a wiggling 10 month old with FANGS adorable brand new teeth (who had just decided to blow out of the ruffly $50 outfit from Grandma):

"Hey honey, can you run upstairs and get Mommy a diaper? Yeah, upstairs. IN THE DRAWER! IN THE BIG WHITE DRAWER! No, in your sister's room. YOUR SISTER'S!" When he brought down his favorite pair of underpants instead, I...um SHE just smiled while crying inside.

2. Where in the sweet potato is... ?!?!?! Everything is suddenly missing. Stuff that you wouldn't dream was possible to lose. The baby's entire collection of 20 bottles, your son's favorite toy screw driver, the fake spiral topiary that used to be on the mantle, step stools, potty chairs, and entire couch cushions. Where in the KALE CHIPS do these things GO!??!?!? Either that, or they turn up covered in sticky unremovable substances. Martha Stewart, are you for sale?

3. LAUNDRY. We are at the point where we all wear one outfit a day. SO WHY IS IT that we are doing two loads of laundry EVERY NIGHT? GRRRRFLALAKJDBkhgsvcjaghfd I can't even.

4. My ride. I drove a crossover with one child and now, due to a lack of room situation, we upgraded to a full on SUV. I love it, but the closer I get to owning a mini-van, the closer I feel to losing my sanity. This birth control better not fail, because I will not be purchasing a big ol' van any time soon EVER!!!

5. Sorry, not sorry, but I am never 100% squeaky clean. Because KIDS.
"Just took a shower, Ma? Here, let me barf on your leg."

"Oh, Dad, so glad to hear you got this shirt back from the dry cleaner's. Let me wipe a snail trail of snot on the shoulder."

"Just spent 45 minutes on your hair and makeup, Mommy? I've got some super sticky yogurt that will add a nice pop of color. Let me make sure it gets on every single layer so you have to wash it again."

I can't fail to mention all the dried cheerios, puffs, goldfish and other cracker type crap that manages to glue itself to my BUTT!

And  that, my friends, is just a sample of how number two has flushed my former life away. Yeah, yeah enough with the lame jokes. But seriously, I've gotta go.

xoxo,
Hot Mama

Chronicle 54: Holidazed & Confused

I love loved the holidays. Getting together with friends and family, taking part in longstanding traditions (awkward small talk until you remembered that you grew up with this person and have many hilarious memories together). I used to bask in sweater weather, eat too much turkey and gravy, and spend hours sprawled on the floor looking at old family photos.

When I got pregnant with my son, I was so excited to share moments like these with him. I couldn't wait to teach him the perfect dressing to green bean ratio, or watch him joyously discover the fun of running around with cousins while the grownups watched with knowing smiles. This was all before reality sunk in.

It's no secret that having small children is difficult. But there is a HUGE difference between "knowing" and KNOWING. Perhaps you don't have children yet, or it has been awhile since you've had little ones in the house. You may feel a certain sympathy for the mom juggling a plate of cranberry sauce and a newborn. Or the Dad chasing after the son who is going after Grandma's breakables. It might even be a bit funny to watch prized knick knacks wobbling toward the edge of the table. Later? It will be funny to me, too. Now... well, here's what you DON'T know.

Mom had a sleepless night before Thanksgiving because the baby was in a strange place and would not sleep in her portable crib. The little bundle of sweetness has graciously started teething and no longer requires that swaddle you found on some obscure website. Also, the months it took to convince said baby that Mom was not a pacifier have been shot to hell overnight. Add in some tryptophan and Mom's ready to plummet face first into her plate.

The son slept soundly in his inflatable bed on the floor of the guest room,  but you would never know it, because he is running around in circles and bouncing off walls like a pinball to burn off energy. Usually he gets to play outside, but it's cold and everyone is inside. The only thing that will keep him still and occupied for a minute is watching YouTube videos on Dad's phone. Cue the judgement.

The food is delicious and heavenly, but after the second baby the weight just won't come off. Please don't tell Mom she looks great as she balances a plate of food on her wobbly stomach. Thanksgiving dinner looks like too many nights at the gym that she will never have time for. Appreciate the thought, though.

The parents have not had a spare moment alone since the oldest was born. Holidays included. All the teenagers and college kids acting all moony and the older couples who don't even make eye contact any more make them feel alone and depressed. Divide and conquer, and hope that someday they will be reunited. WE. ARE. SPARTAAA!

What you realllly won't see is the aftermath. Children thrive on schedules, so even if the travel is for "just a few days", this throws children off and sends them careening on a downward spiral... with consequences lasting for days. Days = months in parenthood. It's science.

The son will refuse to nap. So will the baby. There will be LOTS of crying and tantrums. It will bleed into school the following Monday. Then an explanation to teachers will be expected. "It was a rough weekend. That must be why my son beaned you over the head with his Lego tower." Awkward.

The bags will lay unpacked in the parent's room for days. Laundry will pile up and baby girl will have to wear big brother's old onesies. OLD. She will scream and cry at the indignity. Mom and Dad will finally get a breather after coaxing the children into bed by threatening them with "Santa won't come if...!". The parents will then promptly fall asleep to Netflix. At 8:00 p.m.

What I want to constantly scream is "We're battling sheer exhaustion! Nothing will fix that, not even sleep!" To you a day or so of travel may seem like nothing. To us it's like Mount Everest.

The truth? I love you. I love you ALL. But when it comes to dealing with small children, please try to understand. I love my sanity and my schedule more. For now. 

"It's just one year."

Happy Holidays,
The Hot Mama

Chronicle 35: Independence Day (by Day)

My son doesn't need me.

Ok, I'm being melodramatic. What I mean to say is, it FEELS as though my son needs me less and less. Which is one of those things that puts a little crack in my heart. Of course I am thrilled when he demonstrates another milestone proudly, puffing out his baby chest and slapping on a toothy grin. How can I do anything but melt into a mommy puddle at his chubby little feet?

After I reassemble myself this devilish part of my brain starts talking. "He can feed himself now. You don't have to do THAT anymore." Or this, "Those bruised knees means he is crawling. Away. From YOU!" Oh, man. Harsh. The best and worst, simultaneously? Putting himself to sleep. I rock him less, but he cries less. I don't nurse him to sleep, but... I don't nurse him to sleep. Wahhhh.

See what I mean? It's the best thing for him, obviously. It is good for me, too. Learning to let go and help shape his independence is a blessing.

And a curse.

Xoxo,
The Hot Mama

Chronicle 26: Say What?! New Mama Insider Info

Here is what I know: Being a parent is like living on Mars. Minus all the heat and weird gases. Ok, plus the weird gases and minus the heat. It literally feels as if you're living on a different planet than everyone else. Well, other than people who are in your exact same position.

Here are some things I absolutely did not know about and have not heard anyone talk openly about (until I asked):

Nursing

It's so much more difficult than you imagine. I literally thought you were supposed to pop the baby on the boob and let him drink away. Not so. There are different types of holds and the baby has to latch on correctly and you have to come to a mutal agreement with your child about when and where to breastfeed. And they BARELY eat the first few days. Which is why they actually lose a bit of weight that first week, but trust me, it is fine. Scary, but fine.

Honestly, it hurts like hell. It's like purple nurples every time they eat for a few weeks. Then the nips toughen up and nursing becomes a habit (if you decide to pursue it). When your milk comes in, you may or not feel as if you magically received breast implants. I was so swollen, that I had to make a 10 o'clock run to Babies R Us to buy a pump, then proceeded to pump all the way home.

Also, your baby will scratch your chest up with their tiny little claws and you will look like your breasts got into a bar fight with a rosebush. I was too scared to cut G's nails forever, so I wore high necked tops for months. Now that he is teething, I have bite marks and bruises. Fun.

Friendships...

come and go, but never more so than during major life changes like getting married or having babies. There are people who just can't handle the fact that you aren't going out/drinking like you used to, or they're jealous of your happiness, or they are just plain in a different phase of their lives.

Your schedule changes dramatically for awhile, and kids can be so unpredictable that you need understanding family and friends if you have to cancel or rearrange plans. I'm lucky to have people like this in my life!

The good news is that, as a new parent, you can meet so many new friends that know exactly what you're going through. Great meeting places include: the park, the gym, the library (story hour!), the grocery, through friends and family, church, birthday parties, etc. The hardest part is getting up the courage to strike up a conversation and then follow through by making plans. It's a lot like dating: you really have to see if everyone is compatible! I am still in the "working up the courage" phase, but I'm lucky to have several mommy friends already.

SEX

Oh, yes I did. Surprisingly, you recover from (natural) delivery fairly quickly. That doesn't mean that you wanna jump right back in the sack as soon as you feel pain free. Because, yes, it hurts the first time you have sex. It reminds me of Jessica from HBO's True Blood who was turned into a vampire as a virgin. Which means that every time she gets down is literally like the first time. And it feels like that for awhile.

My advice? Lots of lube. And patience. And HUMOR. It goes a long way. Just remember there are a lot of other things you can do with your hubby, including non-sexual activities that are still intimate like showering together, massages, cuddling, breakfast in bed, etc. Like many other things after having a baby, this is temporary and while it may be more difficult to find time with your man, it can (and must!) be done. You just have to become a bit more creative!

Competition

I am not a competitive person by nature, but when I'm out and about I cannot help comparing myself to other parents and my little man to other babies. What is that baby doing that my son isn't? What do I do way better than that parent? I would never do that. My son will never act like that in public... It goes on and on. Why do we do this? Human nature, I suppose. But I really try to keep it to a minimum because every single child goes at their own pace. And nothing is wrong with that by any means. Who am I to judge and compare? My son and I are happy and healthy and that is all I can ask for. (It still creeps in sometimes. Hey, I can't help it!)

Your turn, mamas! What are some things that shocked you as a new mama? What would advice would you give to a new parent that you would have liked to receive? 

Xoxo,

The Hot Mama

Chronicle 25: A Brief Hiatus

So I took a brief hiatus: from blogging, from life, from everything, really. It's been one of those weeks. No, make that month. Or even year, if you'd like. I feel as if I'm living two very different lives at the moment, and the distance between the two is stark and startling, and frankly, I lack the energy to figure it out at the moment.

My life as a mother is just right. It's baby bear's porridge, with extra sugar and cream and a temperature that warms your tummy, but leaves your tastebuds intact. My life makes sense. I have a purpose. My lungs breathe for him. My heart swells and breaks and mends itself a thousand times a day. It is simultaneously the hardest and greatest thing I have ever done.

And, at this point, I am doing most of it single handedly.

I'm half of a whole, yes. But while my husband's away each week, I become the whole. I try too hard to be the mother and the father. I encourage independence, yet I cling to my son. I play rough and tumble, then lament over our bruised knees and carpet burns. I butt in on their sacred bath time, then read books about a mama's love in soft whispers. I weep at the drop of a hat, only to quickly dry my son's tears and catapult into distractions.

So you see? Jekyll and Hyde. One moment I'm filled with joy, and the next? Despair and, yes, loneliness.  I miss my partner, my lover, my friend. Not only do I miss my husband, but I miss our family as a unit. Our mundane rhythm. The daily moments that seem so routine and boring, until they're disrupted. I mourn the fact that he has missed, and will miss, G's most transformative time.

I was completely overcome this weekend when my baby crawled for the very first time! I could see him gearing up for it all week. Tummy time transformed into popping up onto all fours and rocking and rolling towards an unknown destination. By midweek he had begun to look down and check out his knees while he lunged forward, desperately grasping for the glowing remote.

Saturday was THE day...tentative moments that resulted in alternating hands and knees. A brief movement that caused G great bewilderment when I burst into tears as my husband clapped his hands and lunged in for a hug.

For that one moment, I forgot everything and felt content. Felt whole.

Xoxo,
The Hot Mama

Chronicle 12: The Ideal vs. Reality

Growing up, I would wait anxiously for Friday nights, when new episodes of the sickeningly cheery sitcom Full House would finally air. The week in between each episode felt like absolute torture. And missing a show? Completely out of the question. I knew that I would have to return to school on Monday without the knowledge of what had transpired in the Tanner household. And then endure bouts of jealousy as my friends chatted away about the particularly funny things Michelle said or did. I felt as if I had been left out of something important.

http://www.nypost.com/r/nypost/blogs/popwrap/200812/Images/200812_full-house-reunion.jpg

That's what these types of shows do to us. They gloss over life's milestones, slap a band-aid over the boo-boos, and miraculously move on to bigger and better things. A 2 minute talk and voila, feelings are acknowledged and the issue is instantly resolved. Deep down we all know that is not how things work. However, we feel guilty that we can't make it work like they do. Why can't I forgive and forget as easily as the Tanners? Why can't I just confront the issue head on?

We felt as if their family was what the quintessential American family looked like, that their word was gospel, and every situation should turn out like theirs did each Friday night. I was completely reassured that I would grow up to raise a family that ate dinner together every night, and wholly supported every thing each member did, unselfishly. Ice cream sundaes after every home cooked meal. A father that could work at home instead of trekking into the office. An easy pregnancy and labor, with a few quirky mood swings that were laughed off and tolerated as a joke.

I had to laugh as I recently re-watched an episode of Full House. Becky, with a tiny body and basketball belly, cutely waddles out to Jesse, smiling. "Honey...it's time!" Jesse immediately does the rushing around gathering suitcases act, while Becky looks on smiling. No evidence of contractions or pain. She says that the "indigestion" she's been feeling is now 7 minutes apart.

http://img1.tvloop.com/img/showpics/a7/a9/l377fe8580000_1_20008.jpg

REALLY? Did ya not attend a Lamaze class or parent preparation course, BECKS? Confession time: it is not like TV or the movies in any way, shape, or form. If you're a normal human being, you don't walk around smiling when you start to feel contractions. Not for long at least. Also, surprisingly, most women's water doesn't break at home, or even at all (on its own). Another thing, Full House, they will send you right back HOME if your contractions aren't at least 3-5 minutes apart. That's right! They'll send your pregnant ass right back home. Sad. By the time you are ready to have your baby, your husband will be just as prepared as you. So don't worry, ladies, he won't drive off without you!

Why? Why on EARTH doesn't anyone sit us down and tell us the truth? I would rather be prepared for what I'm going to have to do, than be living in ignorant bliss and then shocked the hell out of when I'm finally hit with reality. So, I have compiled a list. Don't be scared, mamas! Reality is not always harsh. Sometimes it can be heartbreakingly beautiful and amazing. Feel free to add your own in the comments!

http://www.wbez.org/sites/default/files/blog/insert-image/2011-January/2011-01-10/reality-check-1.jpg

Idealistic:

You will just "know" when it's time to go to the hospital.

Realistic:

You will spend much of your labor at home, timing contractions and moving around to help move things along. You will have time to inform family, load the car, have something light to eat, and drive to the hospital safely (and within the speed limit).

Idealistic:

You will bond with your baby as soon as he/she is born.

Realistic:

You're so mentally and physically exhausted after birth that you may not feel that connection right away. That is perfectly NORMAL and OK. You do not know anything about this new little life, except that you love them. It could take days or weeks to really understand how you feel. If it takes more than a month or so, please talk to your partner or your doctor. You may be dealing with post-partum depression.

Idealistic:

Your relationship with your partner will/will not change.

Realistic:

Your relationship with everyone will change, one way or another. You may get closer to certain people, and you will certainly drift away from some who are not in the same stage of life. This is also normal, and can be painful. Just know that you are going through a HUGE life change, and the people that want to stick around and support you are the most important people in your life. You WILL find alone time with your partner again, and you will resume a normal life eventually. TRUST me!

Idealistic:

Some moms have it all together.

Realistic:

There is not one single mom out there that has it all together or completely under control 100% of the time. Those that say they do are lying or delusional. Children affect your life in so many wonderful and unforeseeable ways. You're going to make mistakes because you're on a steep learning curve. It lessens with every child, but it is still there. You're going to be late. And, you're going to leave the house at least once with spit up or poop on your person. Just sayin'... be prepared. You know what helps? Laughing those moments off. Before you know it, your baby will grow up, and those moments will be gone.

http://rlv.zcache.com/funny_baby_clothes_sayings_baby_poop_joke_shirt-p235823905013177709zvzz0_400.jpg

Love you, ladies! What were some of your idealistic expectations that were completely different in reality? Please share, I would love to hear your thoughts!

Xoxo,

The Hot Mama

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Chronicle 11: The Award Show Showdown

Happy Monday, mamas! I hope you had an absolutely fabulous weekend. We sure did at the Hot Mama household. The best part of my hubby being gone all week is that we are super excited to see each other by the end of it all. It may not be the "can't get enough of each other, must suck face all the time" phase that we had at the beginning of our relationship, but for a four year + kid relationship, I don't hate it!

http://grapefruits.files.wordpress.com/2010/12/new-love-old-love.jpg

We are much more considerate of each other, which includes tolerating those deeply ingrained and annoying habits that drives the other spouse up the wall. Including, but not limited to: Nail biting, leaving used tissues around the house, leaving a peanut buttered knife in the sink without rinsing it off, "forgetting" to refill the Brita when it's empty, hogging the iPad, etc., etc. When you get comfortable, you get a bit selfish. 

What my whole diatribe is leading up to is the fact that this time of year, if the TV is on, so is a basketball game. I grew up watching sports, and I may have even tried every single sport out there (before I finally realized I am the least athletic person on the planet). But months and months of one sport seems like overkill, right? WRONG...according to the entire male population, and some very good lady friends of mine. But I ask you this: would our loving companions be willing to sit through hours and months of watching ballet? Men and women leaping and prancing around to classical music?! I THINK NOT! Soooo one sided, fellas. 

http://profile.ak.fbcdn.net/hprofile-ak-snc4/50313_110928715594905_1841436_n.jpg

Pretending to be bored with sports is usually my bargaining tool when Maid in Manhattan is on TBS for the 50th time, or I need a Miss Congeniality fix. However, since we never see each other anymore, the bargaining has given way to, "Oh, look, hun! Five hours of Oscar coverage!" Score, a direct hit! I suppose it's the same wiring in the brain that enables me to watch hours and hours of red carpet, while hubby can watch hours and hours of basketball. And now, for your entertainment, the reason why I can watch Miss Congeniality so many times:

I. cannot. stop. laughing.

Moving on. 

Doesn't it feel as if we JUST saw the 2011 Grammys and the Oscars? Maybe it is because I have been watching too many Rachel Zoe reruns, but it literally feels as if we are watching these award shows all year long. No complaints here... it just BAFFLES me. Now, if you weren't aware, celebrities see the Grammys as a chance to fly their fashion freak flag. It is a much more casual event than the Oscars, and you see all sorts of, shall we say, interesting choices. 

http://obama.net/2012-grammys-best-and-worst-dressed-stars/

Nikki Minaj must have been creeping behind the scenes of Twilight's New Moon, because she looks like she could blend in perfectly with the Roman festival shown at the end of the movie. She is a beautiful woman, trying way too hard to top Lady Gaga. Enough, Minaj! We get it... you're different.

http://stylefrizz.com/img/Fergie-orange-lace-JP-Gaultier-dress-2012-Grammy-Awards.jpg

Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas went for a slightly less political outfit, and instead opted for...well, less of an outfit, period. We got a look at her raven granny panties peeking through a tight fitting doily, which seemed to be RIT-dyed a fancy flourescent orange. Which complemented her umm, "tan" glow quite nicely, might I add. Mamas, I would MUCH rather see a fake tan over a real tan any day, but with all that money and all those stylists, how does she still manage to cast such a tangerine hue?

http://img.ibtimes.com/www/data/images/full/2012/02/13/231163-lady-gaga-at-the-grammy-s.jpg

Lady Gaga made a very understated appearance on the carpet this year, in contrast to last year when she curled into a large egg and was hoisted by Caesar's Palace inspired Grecians into the venue. In fact, I don't remember seeing her on the carpet at all. She kept it simple with a scepter and an all black ensemble, but the crazy eyes were running wild all night. We love you Gaags! I feel like she must be hoarding all her creative energy for another amazing album.

There actually were some beautiful dresses at the Grammys, but they were nothing compared with some of the dresses I drooled over at the Oscars last night. The Oscars always make me so nostalgic, with the old Hollywood glamour and the inevitable homage to film's evolution through the years. Women sparkle and dazzle, dressed by some of my favorite designers in very classic silhouettes. 

http://www.popsugar.com/Jennifer-Lopez

These pictures do not do Jennifer Lopez's custom Zuhair Murad dress any justice whatsoever. She simply sparkled and shimmered in this silvery pleated dress. Words don't even do it justice! Her dress moved in a subtle and slinky way, and accentuated her curves ("ASSets" would have been the better, yet more obvious wording here). The deep v-neck was super sexy, but not over the top or slutty. And the cutout sleeves provided even more visual interest, but not in an overbearing way. It was like butta!

http://www.stylelist.com/2012/02/26/oscars-2012-best-dressed-_n_1299263.html

Penelope Cruz wore this gorgeous baby blue dress by Armani Prive, which totally reminds me of the dress Sleeping Beauty wears at the end of the movie. You know... the one that kept changing from pink to blue? This gauzy off the shoulder look could have hinted toward the 80s in any other color, but it only highlighted Penelope's beautiful skin tone and decollete, and allowed for a simple diamond necklace, earrings, and bracelet. I had visions of myself riding away on a horse wearing this dress, Runaway Bride style. Love!

http://www.redcarpet-fashionawards.com/category/blog/blog-celebrities/angelina-jolie/

Everyone is talking about Angelina, and her gaunt cheeks and toothpick wings. What is with the "I wont eats cheezburger" look? I know she is running around after 115 kids these days, but really? This Atelier Versace practically swallowed her whole, leaving us a glimpse of an escaped limb that resembled a malnourished Barbie leg. Honey, get some help. If you need some extra weight, chop off your man's mane and attach it to yourself!!

There were so many more that I simply adored, but this post is getting rather long, mamas. Were you able to watch the Oscars or the Grammys? What looks did you lust over and which sent you hitting the ground laughing? Would you be interested in a Part 2?

Be sure to leave a comment, and come back soon!

Xoxo,

The Hot Mama

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